Hill Top Prep alumni parents attended meetings held at the Headmaster's residence for the purpose of sharing their thoughts about life after graduation.... it was intended to be just a conversation. The alumni parents with children who are alumni from the past ten graduating classes and who had responded to Dr. Schindler's survey were the ones we invited to join this conversation.
Each conversation was started with the question, "What does independence mean for you, for your child, for your situation?"
Several parents spoke of losing the structure and the caring staff from their years at Hill Top when that diploma arrived. After graduation, the parents were kind of on their own. Legally, their children were no longer minors and that meant that the parents weren't able to manage their children's lives in as direct a fashion as they had before graduation. Two parents talked about just trying to get grades from their child's college, or to learn how he was doing in the middle of the semester. But the college doesn't release that information to the parents. They spoke about having difficulty in tracking progress and needing to rely solely on their child for reports on how things were going. Several parents said that depending on their children for information was not always reliable or easy.... whether they were in college or not.
Fear of failure was a topic we discussed in both meetings. "Do we let them fail?" This was a question asked in several ways. "Isn't it time for them to learn that the real world isn't always going to be like Hill Top?" The answers to this question were rather different from each other. Some parents felt that their children struggled with so many things in their worlds that whenever the parents could help, they had the responsibility to jump in. Others felt that it was important that their children experience the real world and learn to deal with difficulties of day to day life, to feel the pressure (even just a little bit) of having to balance college course expectations, or job schedules, or helping around the house with chores, and maybe even contributing to the expenses of running the house. "My wife and I talk about whether to use the carrot or the stick to help our son learn about the realities of life." Several parents jumped in to talk more about building resilience in their child when it comes to adversities that they experience in their years beyond graduation.
This was followed up with questions around if Hill Top should have ramped up expectations in the senior year so that seniors experienced more of the real world. Should have used more of the stick and less of the carrot as they were nearing graduation? The responses were pretty consistently the same. "No, I don't think so. His high school year was pretty special and we were all pretty anxious enough during senior year. I don't think we needed to add any more stress at that point. Our kids feel pretty good about what they accomplished at Hill Top."
Interesting was that no one really raised a concern that being independent might include living outside the comfort of the family home. A fairly prevalent opinion was that there was no specific timeline for that. Everything would come in time.
Then conversations often turned to other areas. How do we build the skills of networking which is so important to negotiate socially in a college environment or in the business world. Engaging with others their own age, even with similar interests, or responding to emails that have been sent to them by peers, employers or college administrators. It seems that our children still don't have the intrinsic motivation to connect in real time, face-to-face with others. One parent equated these interactions to playing tennis. You need to serve up the ball to another if you are going to get into the game. When the ball is served to you (like when a question is asked by a friend or the college wants you to fill out the registration forms to sign up for courses next semester) you need to not sit on that email but respond by hitting the ball back. I thought that this was an interesting analogy for teaching the give and take of social exchange. A parent wondered if someone could create a situation where initiating social exchanges or responding to social inquiries could garner points much like a computer game (which our students are so motivated to be successful) would raise the interest to engage. In other words; more responses or initiations, more points. More points = "I win" !!!
Another parent spoke of the "social pipeline" and that her son was struggling with getting connected to that "pipeline" so that he knew what was going on around the campus or while on the job. We acknowledged that getting into the "pipeline" meant being able to play that social tennis game more successfully. If our son is not able to access that "pipeline" it is likely that he will watch the world pass by. Some parents felt that this bothered their child and other parents seemed to think that their child was happy with the status quo.
In summary, parents seemed to express an appreciation for their child's years at Hill Top. Their child learned a great deal, made wonderful friends, and could see themselves in a better place after graduation because of Hill Top. They felt that the timeline did not always need to be a steep path of progression. As long as the movement was feeling like it was going forward more than backwards, then a specific timeline wasn't important. We still want our children to experience success and eventually to make viable choices and see truly robust options ahead of them.
It was wonderful to see these parents back at Hill Top and be able to engage them in conversation. As each meeting ended, my closing comment was that no matter whether Hill Top was a perfect fit 100% of the time or maybe only 65% of the time, we are still here for our graduates. Independence will come to each of our children in their own time. When that happens, we are happy to help out with ideas, encouragement and support. We are here for each of them, no matter what year they graduated.
Thank you to the parents who were able to give up several hours to be part of the conversation. It garnered meaningful information as Hill Top makes its plans for the future.
Each conversation was started with the question, "What does independence mean for you, for your child, for your situation?"
Several parents spoke of losing the structure and the caring staff from their years at Hill Top when that diploma arrived. After graduation, the parents were kind of on their own. Legally, their children were no longer minors and that meant that the parents weren't able to manage their children's lives in as direct a fashion as they had before graduation. Two parents talked about just trying to get grades from their child's college, or to learn how he was doing in the middle of the semester. But the college doesn't release that information to the parents. They spoke about having difficulty in tracking progress and needing to rely solely on their child for reports on how things were going. Several parents said that depending on their children for information was not always reliable or easy.... whether they were in college or not.
Fear of failure was a topic we discussed in both meetings. "Do we let them fail?" This was a question asked in several ways. "Isn't it time for them to learn that the real world isn't always going to be like Hill Top?" The answers to this question were rather different from each other. Some parents felt that their children struggled with so many things in their worlds that whenever the parents could help, they had the responsibility to jump in. Others felt that it was important that their children experience the real world and learn to deal with difficulties of day to day life, to feel the pressure (even just a little bit) of having to balance college course expectations, or job schedules, or helping around the house with chores, and maybe even contributing to the expenses of running the house. "My wife and I talk about whether to use the carrot or the stick to help our son learn about the realities of life." Several parents jumped in to talk more about building resilience in their child when it comes to adversities that they experience in their years beyond graduation.
This was followed up with questions around if Hill Top should have ramped up expectations in the senior year so that seniors experienced more of the real world. Should have used more of the stick and less of the carrot as they were nearing graduation? The responses were pretty consistently the same. "No, I don't think so. His high school year was pretty special and we were all pretty anxious enough during senior year. I don't think we needed to add any more stress at that point. Our kids feel pretty good about what they accomplished at Hill Top."
Interesting was that no one really raised a concern that being independent might include living outside the comfort of the family home. A fairly prevalent opinion was that there was no specific timeline for that. Everything would come in time.
Then conversations often turned to other areas. How do we build the skills of networking which is so important to negotiate socially in a college environment or in the business world. Engaging with others their own age, even with similar interests, or responding to emails that have been sent to them by peers, employers or college administrators. It seems that our children still don't have the intrinsic motivation to connect in real time, face-to-face with others. One parent equated these interactions to playing tennis. You need to serve up the ball to another if you are going to get into the game. When the ball is served to you (like when a question is asked by a friend or the college wants you to fill out the registration forms to sign up for courses next semester) you need to not sit on that email but respond by hitting the ball back. I thought that this was an interesting analogy for teaching the give and take of social exchange. A parent wondered if someone could create a situation where initiating social exchanges or responding to social inquiries could garner points much like a computer game (which our students are so motivated to be successful) would raise the interest to engage. In other words; more responses or initiations, more points. More points = "I win" !!!
Another parent spoke of the "social pipeline" and that her son was struggling with getting connected to that "pipeline" so that he knew what was going on around the campus or while on the job. We acknowledged that getting into the "pipeline" meant being able to play that social tennis game more successfully. If our son is not able to access that "pipeline" it is likely that he will watch the world pass by. Some parents felt that this bothered their child and other parents seemed to think that their child was happy with the status quo.
In summary, parents seemed to express an appreciation for their child's years at Hill Top. Their child learned a great deal, made wonderful friends, and could see themselves in a better place after graduation because of Hill Top. They felt that the timeline did not always need to be a steep path of progression. As long as the movement was feeling like it was going forward more than backwards, then a specific timeline wasn't important. We still want our children to experience success and eventually to make viable choices and see truly robust options ahead of them.
It was wonderful to see these parents back at Hill Top and be able to engage them in conversation. As each meeting ended, my closing comment was that no matter whether Hill Top was a perfect fit 100% of the time or maybe only 65% of the time, we are still here for our graduates. Independence will come to each of our children in their own time. When that happens, we are happy to help out with ideas, encouragement and support. We are here for each of them, no matter what year they graduated.
Thank you to the parents who were able to give up several hours to be part of the conversation. It garnered meaningful information as Hill Top makes its plans for the future.
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