"Growing Up" vs. "Being a Grown Up"

As part of this sabbatical project, I have been doing a great deal of writing.  Much of the writing have been notes from reading, or notes from visits with professionals who may be helpful, or thoughts about the tours of programs that work to support young adults who have graduated from high school.  And, a few things I have written I have placed on a public site to be read by parents, faculty and friends of Hill Top Prep.

However, this particular piece about growing up is something that I am writing to the current students and the alumni of Hill Top Prep.  I hope that it encourages some thoughts about your own life journey.

The title above summarizes a theme I been reading about.  Much of it comes from a book entitled "Asperger’s and Adulthood" by Blythe Grossberg, Psy.D. 

In the beginning of the book, she has a chapter heading with the same title and she implies that there is a real difference between "growing up" (the day to day process of becoming more mature and responsible) and "being a grown-up".  
Dr. Grossberg talks about the child-like behaviors that we have when we are young.  They can be endearing to see in youngsters but not so much when we get older.  She encourages that we look at our behaviors that should change as we are growing up and “take on certain responsibilities that others used to shoulder” when we were younger.  She also suggests that we “might also need to consider how to change some old habits and even step out of our comfort zone to do so.”  In other words, we need to identify those behaviors that we need to master for when we are grown up and find ways to practice them until they become part of us.

Being a grown-up is different from living like a student in your parents' home….no matter your chronological age.  How can we practice the skills for being grown up and gain those important experiences necessary for being a grown-up so that we can depend more on ourselves and less on others?

First, always start small and go slow.  You don’t wake up one morning and decide to be a grown-up.  It is a process that requires trial and error and lots of practice.  This process should include times when you observe others to watch what they do, ask questions, and then you look honestly and objectively at your own behavior.

Being a grown-up requires that we take on increasing amounts of responsibility for our own needs as well as the needs of others like family, friends, and coworkers.  How do we learn some of those skills and practice them?

a.) Weekend jobs, summer jobs, internships, volunteer opportunities can help us to learn how to be part of a team, to stay focused on a task, and to get done what “the boss” needs us to accomplish.  These experiences also provide soft-skills related to working with others, coping with expectations of time, and putting your personal interests or needs secondary to those of the place of business.  Don't get discouraged as you consider getting some of these experiences and if you think you are alone. Just know that it is estimated that by 2025 there will be more than 500,000 people who are on the spectrum looking for a job!  The more experience you have the more likely that you will be one of the lucky ones.

b.)  Living away from home allows you a chance to learn to do more on your own.  Overnight camp in the summer, spending a long weekend or vacation with other family or friends, or even traveling with other students such as the international travel we do each spring
all are examples of how to practice being more independent.  

Also, Hill Top Prep has a dormitory program that teaches those specific skills you want to learn and also provides significant opportunities to practice many of the skills for independent living.  And, you can still return to the comfort of home on the weekends.

In her book, Dr. Grossberg suggests that “having your own place is the trademark of adulthood and can provide you with a feeling of success and empowerment.”  However, please consider that at this time more than half of the adults on the spectrum spend the years of their 20’s living in their childhood home.

c.) Before you strike out to live more on your own …… even on a part-time basis, there are things you can be practicing that can also be a help to others.  Could you consider: cooking one meal each week for the family, increasing the list of chores that you currently do around the house, or doing laundry/cleaning on a regular basis?

These are things that you will need to do when you are a grown up.  While you are living at home or in the dorm or at summer camp why not use that time to practice?

d.) You also might want to think about a friend and setting a time to do something with him/her in which you share an interest.  When you were younger it was called a "play date".  But these were set up by your mom or dad.  On your own, can you email a friend and suggest you meet for just an hour at the mall, the movies, the bowling alley, a restaurant?  Or, could you set a time to meet up for some gaming together, in person?  Any of these things and many others give you a chance to start building your own social life instead of depending on your parents for that.  After you graduate from high school, these kinds of experiences will help you do something besides just spending your days and nights by yourself.  You may not realize it until you have done this for a while but eventually, you will learn that life will be more interesting, and you will feel more connected when you have added "social" to your life.  And, don’t forget that “practice makes perfect” …... even for a social life.

e.) And taking the responsibility for your own social life may lead to a romantic relationship.  But if you haven’t experienced what it takes to care for a younger sibling or family member, show a regular interest in your friends and family, do special things to make others smile and feel valued, it will be harder for you to establish a relationship with that person who may be truly special in your life.  Remember, you want to start slowly.  So don't put pressure on yourself.  Don’t think about a "real" date in the beginning. 

Think about just hanging out at the mall, grabbing a piece of pizza, volunteering some time to help others or going to a movie or a museum because you both want to see it.  These are all easy ways to start.  Sharing that experience with someone else helps to build a connection.  It is that connection that blossoms into a special relationship.

Becoming a grown-up requires that we learn many new skills, 
that we move outside our own comfort zone, and we depend more on ourselves than when we were younger.  It can be scary at times.  It can make us anxious at times.  But it can also make us feel proud of ourselves for what we have accomplished.

So, look at your life as it is now.  

Can you find a part-time job that requires you to learn new workplace skills?  

Can you take a small step to live more independently by signing up for a trip at school, register for sleepaway camp this summer or agree to move into the school dorm program next year?  

Can you make the first step to set up something social with a friend?
  
Can you plan a meal for the family once a week?

Take just one step outside your comfort zone and make a change in what you do. It will make a difference in your life.